It’s so hard for me to talk when I’m angry. 

When I’m angry, it’s probably because it feels like I’m not being heard. I’m trying to get a point across, and MY GOD, why don’t you listen? Why must I repeat myself 10,000 times until you get it even a tiny bit? How come you’ve let my previous words that were much more calm, much more poignant, and much more clear just wash right over your ears? Lalalalala!!! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Sam says nothing! 

No, I’ve had to repeat myself over, and over, and over, in 300 different ways to say the same thing. 

And it gets frustrating. Just a little bit. 

And it gets tiring. 

And it wears me down. 

Until I finally get so fed up, I throw my hands up in the air and scream out loud, FUCK IT. AND FUCK YOU. 

I don’t like being angry. I’m not particularly fond of being annoyed with those that I care about, and whom mean a great deal to me. But most times it is those people specifically who irritate me the most. 

I get it, I allow them to get under my skin, and why can’t I just accept them for who they are, and love them completely already, huh? Why can’t I just look at them and know deep down in my soul that they are one of God’s sparks and I need to be there for them unconditionally? This annoying moment will soon pass, and before I know it, it will feel like it never happened at all. 

But then it does happen again, and then I find myself feeling the same way I did in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle that I churn inside, and generates even more stress than the previous occurrence. 

I’m still learning, and it’s all too much for me sometimes. Just like with my special loved one, I’m trying to figure it all out. Sure, in my brain everything makes sense if we would simply DO IT MY WAY ALL THE TIME. But relationships don’t work that way, and free will is a God-given right that many people exercise every single day, consciously or unconsciously. 

My human moments have been running the show for the past couple of months, and I must say, it’s not been doing a very good job keeping my mental state under control. I’ve been slacking big time with my meditating, with my spiritual practices, lectures, and daily routines. The darkness has descended once again, and familiar shadows have encroached in my space, and I don’t like it. It’s dirty, it’s upsetting, and most frighteningly, it’s bringing me down to old depths. 

This anger I’ve been harboring for the past couple of weeks finds certain outlets, but it’s not been dealt with, and in turn has been showing up in the ugliest ways of my imagination. My worst case scenarios turn into revenge plots, and I can’t seem to get a grip on it all. 

So I’m starting clean, beginning. I gotta wipe the fog away, and renew my clarity. 

Because this anger is so debilitating, I’m afraid of what I might do. 

The worst part about vacations?

Coming back home and being hurled at full speed back into your reality. 

Oh, London, how you already seem so far away. 

Jezza and I have been on what seems like non-stop chores/activities/life-duties for the past three months. We’ve barely had any time to ask each other how we’re doing, let alone process everything that’s happening in our day-to-day for ourselves. It has all been…overwhelming.

With work obligations, social obligations, renovations, moving, packing, side creative endeavors, and money, money, money, we don’t have enough time in one day. And I know at the end of the road, all of this will be great and amazing, and exactly how we’ve been dreaming it up, but that doesn’t mean that’s it’s not hard sometimes. Hard to cope. Hard to process. Hard to think. Hard to swallow those bitter life pills. 

These new life tests are challenging, and I worry about being able to navigate my way through all of the pressures, and keeping a clear head atop my shoulders without giving into the stress. I don’t want to freak out, have a meltdown, and start being mean to other people because I’m brimming to the edge with anxiety. 

I just need a little more focus, and a little more time. I need ten, uninterrupted minutes to finish one cup of tea.